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“You know . . . I’m not attracted to you like that, right? I just want to be friends.” Tracy felt a sense of relief almost. It wasn’t as if she wanted Karen to rip her clothes off and for them to fuck in the middle of the floor, it was more like she just needed her friend to see all of her, to know her truth, to not hide any parts of herself anymore. She felt free. She mumbled something about the chemistry and the connection they shared and apologized in ten different ways for making Karen uncomfortable and asked if they could just remain friends. For all of her infatuation, Tracy knew that Karen was married and she wasn’t about to break that rule, even if the attraction was mutual. The dynamics of the relationship did change after that. Karen was more hesitant to come by, not because she didn’t like Tracy any more but because she felt awkward. Tracy was gracious but offered no alcohol on their brief visits. Their conversations were more tentative and reserved for a few. "You said that, not me," the elderly woman replies. "Come on, let's getdinner made." I nod as I follow my grandmother into the kitchen, whereI help her make a filling dinner of pork chops and vegetables.We while away the rest of the evening watching television beforeheading to bed, though I don't get much sleep. This isn't out of theordinary- it is Christmas Eve night, after all- but the circumstancestoday are obviously very different. When I was younger, say about 4 or5, I'd always get excited for Christmas- at that age, receiving anypresents was a joy, even if they would be presents that'd ultimatelydisappoint me, like ballet leotards or Barbie dolls. As I got older,about 11 or 12, that excitement gradually turned into anxiety, as Iknew that each present would bring with it responsibilities- I would beexpected to dance a routine in my new leotard, etc. I was still excitedto unwrap the presents, of course, but the presents themselves got moreand more disappointing right up until my.
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